I miss home. I miss stability. I miss certainty. I miss friendships that didn't have to be made because they just were. I miss things but I'm okay.

A New World

I have now had 2 nights on my own at university and the best way to describe it is a completely new world with a brand new set of emotions to go along with it. I feel like I've been here for a lot longer than I have and I feel like I go between homesickness and comfort every other hour. I'm not completely alone: I've made friends in my flat and know a few people on my course. I'm getting to know a whole new city with new people who have new ways of doing things and everything is just different. I'm still getting used to it but I feel like I should be used to it by now even though things actually haven't started at all.

I need to remind myself that the way things are now aren't what they'll be like for the whole time I'm here. Usually in the past I've made friends and stuck with them until we drifted apart over the years or our lives drew away from each other. At the moment there's a way things are done in my flat and with the friends I've made. To be honest I'm not completely happy with it yet and I find myself assuming that this is what will always happen but I know that it won't always be the same and things will change when lectures start and I get to know more people. I just need to remember this.

I'm not used to this way of life. So far I've had a set structure with one home base and one person I know will always be there and who I need to check in with when I'm doing most things. Now I still have that but I'm further away from it and I don't have anyone to hold me accountable for my actions other than myself. I'm not used to that at all but I know that I'm ready for this responsibility and freedom and have been for a few years. Despite knowing this, it feels quite lonely at times. I know that the longer I'm here the more I'll get used to it and the more people I'll have around me, its just hard to remember that it will change sooner than things have changed in the past.

Its a whole new world here but its not always a scary, sad world. Despite the home sickness I like the city I'm in and I'm happy to know some people. I'm looking forward to meeting more people and starting to study what I've waited so long to study. Even if things don't change that much, this is simply a means to an end if I want it to be. If nothing else, by the end of my time here I'll have a qualification and a set of skills that will allow me to both have a career and me a stronger and all round better person.

I just need to remember that this is the start not the forever and I'll be okay.

Feeling social

I'm an introvert. I get my energy from being on my own and spending time with myself. I have a pet awkward turtle that likes to come out and take over during social interactions, especially with people that I don't know very well. I do love spending time with the people I love and having a laugh with the people who know me better than anyone else. I love it but its tiring for me and its even worse when they're people I don't know and the dialogue is full of . One of the things that has scared me most of all about this move to uni is trying to forge new friendships and meet like minded people who will understand me as well as my current friends do.

Every so often, however, I get these urges to get to know more people. I want to have that feeling where you're just getting to know someone you really feel like you connect with and start to forge a friendship. I miss that happy feeling when you think you've found someone who can become a great friend. Recently, I've been craving that feeling more often than I'm used to and I'm glad. This feeling is what will help give me the courage to go out during freshers week and talk to people, try to find new friends. Its what I will use to drive me to try harder to hold conversations with people. I will be able to use this feeling for the first time since I've been able to identify it.

I've finally found some of my flatmates and talking to them on facebook has felt good for the most part. Slowly getting to know them before we move in has fulfilled my craving a bit and its making me a lot happier about moving. I genuinely enjoyed sending a big long essay of a message to one of my wonderful friends I just met this summer and I am looking forward to a reply because I just can't wait to get to know her better. So far, I've only been able to channel this energy I have into online friendships which are really great and amazing but just not the same as real life, face to face relationships. I'll be able to get some work in channelling it in the real world once I'm at university and hopefully it'll help me grow into a better person.

This feeling has made me a lot more excited about going away to uni. I know it will still be very hard to say goodbye to my town and my mum but I'm ready to branch out on my own and start a new, exciting and different life. Its coming whether I like it or not, I might as well get excited about it!

Goodbyes

As part of going to uni there are a lot of goodbyes I have to say. Over the past few days I've said goodbye to my friends, boyfriend and church for a while. Of course, these people won't just leave my life, its more of a see you later than a goodbye but it'll be the longest time I've not seen some of these people in years. Its been very emotional and hard. I know that goodbyes are a necessary part of life and you have to hurt sometimes because you have amazing people in your life but it doesn't stop it from hurting. I'm okay with that though, I know its coming and although I thought that might make it easier it really doesn't. I've already written on my other blog about how goodbyes are sometimes needed and I stand by that.

There's not really much more to say on the subject of goodbyes, I kind of just wanted to document this part of the journey. On the plus side, seeing other people going off to uni makes me more excited to go. For a long time I was dreading it a lot more than I was looking forward to it but now I'm more excited to go and get started. I'm excited to start studying what I want to at last and to start becoming more independent. I think I was focusing too much on the goodbyes and not the new opportunities. While its still scary I now know that I can survive through the goodbyes and be okay the next day. 

The Last Days of Judas Iscariot

So before I move away and start my new life at university, me and my mum decided to go on a special holiday: traveling from the UK to the USA for a week. We originally planned to just go to New York City because its somewhere that we've both wanted to go for a long time. However, when I heard that some StarKids were doing a special play around the time we were planning to go I knew I had to at least try to see it. Miraculously my mum agreed to it and we planned a detour to Chicago for a day before we moved on to New York. I have to say, that was one of the best decisions I have ever made! The play made me think and I have hardly stopped thinking about it in the week since I saw it and I am so thankful to the creative team for bringing it into my life. As usual, my thoughts can't just stay in my head and so I am going to share them here.

All the actors were amazing but the first performance that really stood out to me was Reed Campbell as Judas, especially when he was being the 8 year old version. The mannerisms and speech patterns were just so perfect for the age he was playing, you almost forgot that this was actually a grown man. That against the seriousness of Judas in purgatory/hell just showed the range he is capable of and how amazing he is. Lauren Lopez was also fantastically funny in both her roles, especially St. Monica who quickly became one of my favourite characters ever. I fell in love with the sassy, potty mouthed exterior with the caring nature that was revealed when she was talking to Judas.

In the second act things got darker and more interesting. The introduction with Mary Magdalene was so good, I don't know what it was about her but there was something just special and spiritual about her that's just stayed with me. To me, the stand out scene of this act was the scene I have nicknamed "the Satan loosing his shit scene" which was exactly as it sounds really. It was amazing to see Joey Richter in a completely new type of role and that scene was where he really shone. Up until that point I realised I'd been seeing the judge and Cunningham as just storytellers, not really people as much as they were. I don't know why but it was kind of a big realisation for me that these characters were able to be destroyed as much as the witnesses.

After both seeing and reading The Last Days of Judas Iscariot I realised that it is actually about love. The way the apostles loved Jesus, the way Jesus loved the apostles and the way that love can save you. Something that really stood out to me in the disciple's monologues was the way that they loved both each other and Jesus so strongly. It was a pure friendship kind of love but that's the kind of love that gets shown least in the media so it was just interesting to see that for once. Judas refuses to accept Jesus's love and so he remains in hell. It is the lack of love that the members of the council have that stops them from getting into heaven. I think that that is the overall message of the play: love will save you if you let it.  

So when we come out of the play we're tired, our bodies believing it was 4am but I was determined to see and talk to Julia Albain before we left. Her writing made me who I am and I just wanted to be able to talk to her. I'd already chickened out of saying hi when we went into the play but when we came out and saw her in the bar I knew I had to just go up to her and do it. I was pretty much shaking the whole time I was near her and a bit afterwards but I managed to say more or less what I wanted to say and got both a picture and my copy of her book signed so it was good. Maybe she sensed how nervous I was because I think she was rubbing my back when we were taking a picture together. After we'd talked and she was moving on she asked what my name was as well which was really sweet and completely unexpected so that was just amazing to me. I would have loved to have been able to talk to her and have a conversation but I'm not capable of that yet and that's okay, I'll have another opportunity to thank her for everything, I'm sure. 

The best advice I got about this trip was from my friend Siobhan who messaged me the night before I left, ending by saying "remember in both New York and Chicago that you'll be back some day! So you don't need to do it all this time!" I don't know why, but I had never thought of holidays like that before and those words helped. They made me realise that, if I want it enough, I can go back to the places I loved and explore them all over again and that made a difference, I know I will go back to Chicago at some point and I'll explore it more, visit all the tourist spots and maybe even see another play by those wonderful goofballs who I adore so much. I'm so glad I was able to see Chicago and experience the amazing play that is The Last Days of Judas Iscariot performed by some amazing people and I know that one day I will be back in the Windy City and I can relive the play through its script however many times I want to.