Thanksgiving

So today is American thanksgiving which means its all over the internet, naturally. So I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and share some things I'm thankful for, even though I'm not American, because its not been an easy few months for me and I think that this is important. So, here are some things I'm thankful for:

• My university course. This is honestly the only reason I haven't given up on being here so far. I am unbelievably thankful that I am genuinely interested and enthusiastic about my subject material, it makes things a lot better and easier all round.
• My mum. Since moving away from home, I have become a lot more appreciative of my mum, everything she has done for me and the fact that we get on so well, our relationship has changed for the better these past few months. She is the one person who I know will never ever let me down or walk out of my life. 
• My Daniel. My boy My best friend. I don't know what I'd do without him. Sure, we're miles apart, don't see each other a lot and our phone's don't always like us but I am grateful that he is a part of my life and in my head every day inspiring me to be better and more like him.
• Skype. This has been a lifesaver for me since September. Its let me talk to my mum every day and see  and talk to my best friends even though we're scattered across the country.
• My placement group. I might not know them well or see them any time other than the days we're in school but there's something about the group that just makes me feel better, like part of a little community and that means something here.
• Pictures. The first thing I did in my university room was put my pictures up around my desk and I am so so glad. I get to look up and be reminded of the best times I've been lucky to share with the best people. They always make me feel better.
• Team StarKid. This group of goofballs have given me my internet home and helped me meet the best people, the ones who understand me. They are able to bring a smile to my face so often and have honestly made me the person I am today, a person who I don't think is too bad if I'm honest.

Inside I'm Dancing

Today my lecturer set us films to watch as homework for next week's lessons, one of which was a film called Inside I'm Dancing. I have just finished watching it and immediately went to find out more information about the film and its actors and everything. If you haven't heard of it then I would suggest you do the same. Set in Dublin, focusing on two men with disabilities who seek independent living from the homes they have previously lived it, it isn't something that you see often in mainstream media. I thoroughly enjoyed it and came away with tears streaming down my face and a lot of new thought.

On my search through the google results I saw a review of the film that complained that the script did not go anywhere in particular and no 'convincing answers' were given to any of the problems brought up. I can see where this person is coming from: it is not a film that has a big problem that is overcome with a happy ending or any kind of full solution at the end. However, I do not think that that is necessary. I saw this film as a very real depiction a person's life and how it can be changed and improved in ways previously unimaginable. It seemed to me like a model of one way in which people with extra needs can achieve their full potential and no longer be a disabled person but rather a person who may need a bit more help with some things than others.

Films don't have to be a completed journey, they can just be a snapshot of someone's life that give other people an insight into a world that they had never seen or considered before. To me, a good piece of media is one that changes me afterwards, that makes me think and feel and interests me in a new way. Inside I'm Dancing definitely did that and I am extremely grateful that I have watched it.

Educationalist

For a while now I have been feeling absolutely terrified at the idea of my future. The whole way through my life so far I've been in the education system, always with a goal at the end: I completed primary school to go onto high school, I completed high school to go on to college and I completed college to go to university. What has seemed really scary though is what happens after university. Of course the long term goal is to get a job that I like and earn a good living and everything you expect from someone who grew up in a capitalist society. But honestly, the thought of getting that job and settling down into a routine with no foreseeable end goal has scared me.

No matter how long I've been focusing on a certain area of study, I've always known that I was doing it to reach a certain goal. That was the purpose of my life at that time. When I'm in university its the same, I will be graduating in a few years and then I'll have to figure out what I'm doing then. I think I'll be able to do that, I've done it before. Its the idea of figuring it out though that has started to scare me. All I can see from that point is finding a job I love and then stopping. I've comforted myself before by thinking something along the lines of "Then I'll get married and have kids and my life will progress through them" but I've always just seen myself in the same type of job, doing the same thing career-wise for the rest of my career. That lack of change in that part of my life is definitely scary to me.

I had a lecture today that helped me to think in a more positive way, though. We were being taught about an educationalist called Sir Ken Robinson who, in my opinion, has brilliant ideas about the education system and where it should be heading. Sitting there today, I started thinking that I really don't think I would mind becoming an educationalist and trying to create positive change in the education system. Honestly, that made me quite excited and gave me a new perspective. I've never thought about doing anything like that before but now the thought is there I'm liking it.

I feel like now I have something else that I can go to if I ever get bored of teaching or whatever other work I end up in after I graduate. It no longer feels like I will meet a dead end one day in my career, it feels like there are exciting new possibilities that I can achieve and work towards when I feel I need to. Even if I find myself perfectly happy in the work I end up in for a long time then at least I'll have another possibility that I feel like I would be able to do well.

Lessons of being at university

1. It can significantly improve your relationship wit your parents. Now that I'm here, I skype my mum every day. I probably have never gone a day without talking to my mum ever. I love that. Now though, its a different type of talk. Its more open and more like I'm talking to a friend that a parent who is superior and in charge. I love that development.

2. High expectations lead to disappointment. After being here a few weeks almost always upset about not having found my special group of friends that I've always wanted so badly I realised that my expectations were way to high for uni. I was constantly being told how much I would love it and how I would make the best friends and everything would be great. Then, when I got here and found myself with friends that weren't the same type of person as me and didn't completely understand me straight away I was disappointed. I expected to find those people who instantly get you and like the same things as you straight away. No surprise that I didn't really. But its okay, I've come to appreciate that the friends I have are still great people who I can feel good spending time with and that's good. Sure, I'm still slightly disappointed that I haven't found "my weirdos" but its okay. I have my group back at home still and I have new people who I can spend time getting to know.

3. Things won't be permanent. This is more of a reminder than a lesson for me. So often at the moment it feels like this is the way that its going to be for the rest of my time here. But its not. Its going to change. I'm only in this room until May and then in September I'm going to be living somewhere different that I don't know yet. I will meet new people through things such as placement and social events. It will change and I'm ready for it.

4. Sometimes you just need to write an internal monologue. I opened my wreck this journal one day to the page that says write an internal monologue here and so I did. It was the best decision I have ever made. I have so many thoughts going round in my head sometimes that it can get very hard to think and be coherent or useful in any way. I've found that when I get like this I just need to sit and write every thought that comes to me. Sure, each one gets replaced by another as soon as its on the paper but it helps. It helps so much. I found I had gotten into this mentality that a thought doesn't matter if it isn't shared with someone but now I disagree. Its different from a diary entry because there is no commitment like there seems to be in a diary but its as therapeutic as one and I love it.

5. I like my independence. I've been wanting some sort of independence from my old life for years and now that I've got it I like it....mostly. Sure, I miss being looked after: having my clothes washed for me and my meals cooked but I can do those things, even if I don't like it. I like being able to just sit on my laptop and decide what I want to do with my time no matter the time of day. I like having that full free will of living independently from someone who is looking after me. As much as I can't be bothered with it every now and again, I like it.

6. I am okay on my own. This weekend will be the first weekend that I am in the flat on my own. It will be the first time I am going out and not telling anyone about it because there is no one there to tell. Its a bit lonely at times but its also nice. When we first moved in, our friends in our flat were very much like a substitute family, and still are to an extent. When you go out you usually tell one of them or ask them to come with you, very much like I did at home with my mum. Now I don't have that. I don't have the security of someone knowing where I am but I'm okay with it. It feels quite nice, not reporting to anyone. I wouldn't like to have it permanently just yet but its a nice change just to know that I can do it.