Alpha

So I've just come home from the last session of the alpha course I've been on the past 7 weeks. My head feels full but I can't actually pinpoint any one thought  so I'm going to try and work it out through this blog.

Alpha has been such a journey. Its really actually pushed me out of my comfort zone and has been very scary and very hard at times. Before alpha I was in a routine of church, societies and connect group. I was a lot happier than I ever thought I could be here in Lincoln and things were kind of steadily good. Over the course of alpha a lot of different things happened both within and to me. Since forever but more so since last year I've been quite socially anxious. After the disappointment and horribleness of not finding anyone I felt was my kind of person last year, I found it very hard to make actual connections and friendships with new people, especially if I see potential for a relationship. I get friendship crushes and they are the worst because usually nothing ever comes from it. All these things I realised during alpha when I was placed on an alpha table with mostly new people who I hadn't really talked to before. As the weeks went on and I saw more potential for a friendship to develop I got more anxious that it wouldn't and that was hard. Thats something I'm dealing with and probably will never fully go away and its not fair on other people for me to become so attached to a possibility of a friendship. I'm not really going anywhere with this, just getting out some thoughts about the internal things that have been going on for me alongside the alpha journey.

Its odd. I've learnt a lot from alpha and I've really grown in my faith, knowledge and understanding yet all I can think about is this struggle that has been going on and is still going on. In a way it seems that I'm fixated on this one aspect of the journey that isn't the most important thing but in a way also is the most important thing because my lowest point in the journey turned into something that maybe needed to be dealt with and maybe if I hadn't of done it now I wouldn't have for a long time until it became so much bigger.

So this is what I've taken away from alpha:
-  The knowledge that the bible is somewhat reliable
- The knowledge and understanding of what people may be doing when they are speaking in tongues
- A new set of faces and people that I will recognise and be able to talk to in church outside of my own comfortable group
- A deeper knowledge of myself and how I work
- An understanding of the benefit of speaking up and talking about something new
- An understanding that it might not always go to plan and that might end up with me beating myself up about it for days
- Knowing that God is bigger than my anxiety
- Knowing that there is someone who is willing to be there for me to talk to and pray for me if I need it
- Challenges and questions to work through

What I want to do now:
- Foster and grow my relationships I have through God
- Be more forthcoming with my thoughts and ideas
- Speak out when its hard but I have something to say
- Continue to grow and do new things even if they're the hardest thing
- Love better

I know this post has been a bit of a mess but its more for me than anything else if its helped/made sense to anyone else thats just a bonus.