Despite the fact that it still feels too early to be reviewing the year and moving on to another one, I feel like this is what I need to do right now. 2013 has been an odd little year for me with lots of changes and big life events. I can't say its been a brilliant year but it has definitely been a big year. It went something like:
January/February/March
Revision for my modular exams for my A Levels pretty much took over until they were finished and then it was back to the normal daily life of sixth form and home. I celebrated a couple of 18ths but other than that the first few months of this year were not very remarkable if I'm honest.
April
My 18th Birthday happened and, although I was reluctant about doing any big celebrations at first, I had the best time. I spent a spa day with my girls and had a lovely meal with my mum and boyfriend. Then for the first time, I spent an afternoon in a room of family and friends, some of whom I hadn't seen in years. To my surprise, it was great. I'm so glad I was persuaded to go along with it
May
This month started with my mum's birthday and finished with leaving sixth form with a great leavers do. I've never been good at saying goodbye and this goodbye was the first of many this year and it was a hard one. I was ready to move on though and I had a thoroughly good night celebrating with friends,
June/July
These months were revision and then finishing up exams, being officially done with school and college once and for all and starting summer holidays with a week in Wales.
August
A usual I spent most of August volunteering at a local playscheme with children with special needs but there was one amazing weekend in August that I will never forget. I got to spend three days in London with the best people celebrating the best of nerd culture at LeakyCon London. The organisation may not have been the best but the people and the experiences were. It was the best weekend of my life and the highlight of my year. Later on in the month I received my A Level results and officially got into my first choice university, making it all the more real.
September
This was another big month, I started it off with a trip to America where I got to see a wonderful play and meet my biggest inspiration, followed by a few days in New York City which were overwhelming but a great experience that I feel lucky to have. The end of September saw me and my friends moving away from each other for the first time to make our own way in the scary world of university.
October/November
These were two of the loneliest months I've had. I felt left down, the wonderful social experience I was promised just didn't happen and it was very hard not finding my group of weirdos but feeling like I was seeing everyone else find theirs. Being in a place where I was away from the people I love for the first time was very hard and it still is. I don't necessarily think its been a bad thing though, I've grown and changed more than ever before. University has helped me grow, not just personally but academically as well, I've got clarity on my options and what I want in the future now and I'm happy with where I am in that part of my life for the first time in a long time.
December
As soon as December 1st hit there was a collective feeling of just wanting to go home for Christmas. That has been my December and now I'm home its good. Its comfortable and, it might not feel like Christmas yet, but it is very good to be back home for a few weeks.
So, that was my year. The best adjective I can find to describe it is big. This year has been big and different.
Monday, 23 December 2013
Thursday, 28 November 2013
Thanksgiving
So today is American thanksgiving which means its all over the internet, naturally. So I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and share some things I'm thankful for, even though I'm not American, because its not been an easy few months for me and I think that this is important. So, here are some things I'm thankful for:
- My university course. This is honestly the only reason I haven't given up on being here so far. I am unbelievably thankful that I am genuinely interested and enthusiastic about my subject material, it makes things a lot better and easier all round.
- My mum. Since moving away from home, I have become a lot more appreciative of my mum, everything she has done for me and the fact that we get on so well, our relationship has changed for the better these past few months. She is the one person who I know will never ever let me down or walk out of my life.
- My Daniel. My boy My best friend. I don't know what I'd do without him. Sure, we're miles apart, don't see each other a lot and our phone's don't always like us but I am grateful that he is a part of my life and in my head every day inspiring me to be better and more like him.
- Skype. This has been a lifesaver for me since September. Its let me talk to my mum every day and see and talk to my best friends even though we're scattered across the country.
- My placement group. I might not know them well or see them any time other than the days we're in school but there's something about the group that just makes me feel better, like part of a little community and that means something here.
- Pictures. The first thing I did in my university room was put my pictures up around my desk and I am so so glad. I get to look up and be reminded of the best times I've been lucky to share with the best people. They always make me feel better.
- Team StarKid. This group of goofballs have given me my internet home and helped me meet the best people, the ones who understand me. They are able to bring a smile to my face so often and have honestly made me the person I am today, a person who I don't think is too bad if I'm honest.
Thursday, 21 November 2013
Inside I'm Dancing
Today my lecturer set us films to watch as homework for next week's lessons, one of which was a film called Inside I'm Dancing. I have just finished watching it and immediately went to find out more information about the film and its actors and everything. If you haven't heard of it then I would suggest you do the same. Set in Dublin, focusing on two men with disabilities who seek independent living from the homes they have previously lived it, it isn't something that you see often in mainstream media. I thoroughly enjoyed it and came away with tears streaming down my face and a lot of new thought.
On my search through the google results I saw a review of the film that complained that the script did not go anywhere in particular and no 'convincing answers' were given to any of the problems brought up. I can see where this person is coming from: it is not a film that has a big problem that is overcome with a happy ending or any kind of full solution at the end. However, I do not think that that is necessary. I saw this film as a very real depiction a person's life and how it can be changed and improved in ways previously unimaginable. It seemed to me like a model of one way in which people with extra needs can achieve their full potential and no longer be a disabled person but rather a person who may need a bit more help with some things than others.
Films don't have to be a completed journey, they can just be a snapshot of someone's life that give other people an insight into a world that they had never seen or considered before. To me, a good piece of media is one that changes me afterwards, that makes me think and feel and interests me in a new way. Inside I'm Dancing definitely did that and I am extremely grateful that I have watched it.
On my search through the google results I saw a review of the film that complained that the script did not go anywhere in particular and no 'convincing answers' were given to any of the problems brought up. I can see where this person is coming from: it is not a film that has a big problem that is overcome with a happy ending or any kind of full solution at the end. However, I do not think that that is necessary. I saw this film as a very real depiction a person's life and how it can be changed and improved in ways previously unimaginable. It seemed to me like a model of one way in which people with extra needs can achieve their full potential and no longer be a disabled person but rather a person who may need a bit more help with some things than others.
Films don't have to be a completed journey, they can just be a snapshot of someone's life that give other people an insight into a world that they had never seen or considered before. To me, a good piece of media is one that changes me afterwards, that makes me think and feel and interests me in a new way. Inside I'm Dancing definitely did that and I am extremely grateful that I have watched it.
Monday, 11 November 2013
Educationalist
For a while now I have been feeling absolutely terrified at the idea of my future. The whole way through my life so far I've been in the education system, always with a goal at the end: I completed primary school to go onto high school, I completed high school to go on to college and I completed college to go to university. What has seemed really scary though is what happens after university. Of course the long term goal is to get a job that I like and earn a good living and everything you expect from someone who grew up in a capitalist society. But honestly, the thought of getting that job and settling down into a routine with no foreseeable end goal has scared me.
No matter how long I've been focusing on a certain area of study, I've always known that I was doing it to reach a certain goal. That was the purpose of my life at that time. When I'm in university its the same, I will be graduating in a few years and then I'll have to figure out what I'm doing then. I think I'll be able to do that, I've done it before. Its the idea of figuring it out though that has started to scare me. All I can see from that point is finding a job I love and then stopping. I've comforted myself before by thinking something along the lines of "Then I'll get married and have kids and my life will progress through them" but I've always just seen myself in the same type of job, doing the same thing career-wise for the rest of my career. That lack of change in that part of my life is definitely scary to me.
I had a lecture today that helped me to think in a more positive way, though. We were being taught about an educationalist called Sir Ken Robinson who, in my opinion, has brilliant ideas about the education system and where it should be heading. Sitting there today, I started thinking that I really don't think I would mind becoming an educationalist and trying to create positive change in the education system. Honestly, that made me quite excited and gave me a new perspective. I've never thought about doing anything like that before but now the thought is there I'm liking it.
I feel like now I have something else that I can go to if I ever get bored of teaching or whatever other work I end up in after I graduate. It no longer feels like I will meet a dead end one day in my career, it feels like there are exciting new possibilities that I can achieve and work towards when I feel I need to. Even if I find myself perfectly happy in the work I end up in for a long time then at least I'll have another possibility that I feel like I would be able to do well.
No matter how long I've been focusing on a certain area of study, I've always known that I was doing it to reach a certain goal. That was the purpose of my life at that time. When I'm in university its the same, I will be graduating in a few years and then I'll have to figure out what I'm doing then. I think I'll be able to do that, I've done it before. Its the idea of figuring it out though that has started to scare me. All I can see from that point is finding a job I love and then stopping. I've comforted myself before by thinking something along the lines of "Then I'll get married and have kids and my life will progress through them" but I've always just seen myself in the same type of job, doing the same thing career-wise for the rest of my career. That lack of change in that part of my life is definitely scary to me.
I had a lecture today that helped me to think in a more positive way, though. We were being taught about an educationalist called Sir Ken Robinson who, in my opinion, has brilliant ideas about the education system and where it should be heading. Sitting there today, I started thinking that I really don't think I would mind becoming an educationalist and trying to create positive change in the education system. Honestly, that made me quite excited and gave me a new perspective. I've never thought about doing anything like that before but now the thought is there I'm liking it.
I feel like now I have something else that I can go to if I ever get bored of teaching or whatever other work I end up in after I graduate. It no longer feels like I will meet a dead end one day in my career, it feels like there are exciting new possibilities that I can achieve and work towards when I feel I need to. Even if I find myself perfectly happy in the work I end up in for a long time then at least I'll have another possibility that I feel like I would be able to do well.
Friday, 1 November 2013
Lessons of being at university
1. It can significantly improve your relationship wit your parents. Now that I'm here, I skype my mum every day. I probably have never gone a day without talking to my mum ever. I love that. Now though, its a different type of talk. Its more open and more like I'm talking to a friend that a parent who is superior and in charge. I love that development.
2. High expectations lead to disappointment. After being here a few weeks almost always upset about not having found my special group of friends that I've always wanted so badly I realised that my expectations were way to high for uni. I was constantly being told how much I would love it and how I would make the best friends and everything would be great. Then, when I got here and found myself with friends that weren't the same type of person as me and didn't completely understand me straight away I was disappointed. I expected to find those people who instantly get you and like the same things as you straight away. No surprise that I didn't really. But its okay, I've come to appreciate that the friends I have are still great people who I can feel good spending time with and that's good. Sure, I'm still slightly disappointed that I haven't found "my weirdos" but its okay. I have my group back at home still and I have new people who I can spend time getting to know.
3. Things won't be permanent. This is more of a reminder than a lesson for me. So often at the moment it feels like this is the way that its going to be for the rest of my time here. But its not. Its going to change. I'm only in this room until May and then in September I'm going to be living somewhere different that I don't know yet. I will meet new people through things such as placement and social events. It will change and I'm ready for it.
4. Sometimes you just need to write an internal monologue. I opened my wreck this journal one day to the page that says write an internal monologue here and so I did. It was the best decision I have ever made. I have so many thoughts going round in my head sometimes that it can get very hard to think and be coherent or useful in any way. I've found that when I get like this I just need to sit and write every thought that comes to me. Sure, each one gets replaced by another as soon as its on the paper but it helps. It helps so much. I found I had gotten into this mentality that a thought doesn't matter if it isn't shared with someone but now I disagree. Its different from a diary entry because there is no commitment like there seems to be in a diary but its as therapeutic as one and I love it.
5. I like my independence. I've been wanting some sort of independence from my old life for years and now that I've got it I like it....mostly. Sure, I miss being looked after: having my clothes washed for me and my meals cooked but I can do those things, even if I don't like it. I like being able to just sit on my laptop and decide what I want to do with my time no matter the time of day. I like having that full free will of living independently from someone who is looking after me. As much as I can't be bothered with it every now and again, I like it.
6. I am okay on my own. This weekend will be the first weekend that I am in the flat on my own. It will be the first time I am going out and not telling anyone about it because there is no one there to tell. Its a bit lonely at times but its also nice. When we first moved in, our friends in our flat were very much like a substitute family, and still are to an extent. When you go out you usually tell one of them or ask them to come with you, very much like I did at home with my mum. Now I don't have that. I don't have the security of someone knowing where I am but I'm okay with it. It feels quite nice, not reporting to anyone. I wouldn't like to have it permanently just yet but its a nice change just to know that I can do it.
2. High expectations lead to disappointment. After being here a few weeks almost always upset about not having found my special group of friends that I've always wanted so badly I realised that my expectations were way to high for uni. I was constantly being told how much I would love it and how I would make the best friends and everything would be great. Then, when I got here and found myself with friends that weren't the same type of person as me and didn't completely understand me straight away I was disappointed. I expected to find those people who instantly get you and like the same things as you straight away. No surprise that I didn't really. But its okay, I've come to appreciate that the friends I have are still great people who I can feel good spending time with and that's good. Sure, I'm still slightly disappointed that I haven't found "my weirdos" but its okay. I have my group back at home still and I have new people who I can spend time getting to know.
3. Things won't be permanent. This is more of a reminder than a lesson for me. So often at the moment it feels like this is the way that its going to be for the rest of my time here. But its not. Its going to change. I'm only in this room until May and then in September I'm going to be living somewhere different that I don't know yet. I will meet new people through things such as placement and social events. It will change and I'm ready for it.
4. Sometimes you just need to write an internal monologue. I opened my wreck this journal one day to the page that says write an internal monologue here and so I did. It was the best decision I have ever made. I have so many thoughts going round in my head sometimes that it can get very hard to think and be coherent or useful in any way. I've found that when I get like this I just need to sit and write every thought that comes to me. Sure, each one gets replaced by another as soon as its on the paper but it helps. It helps so much. I found I had gotten into this mentality that a thought doesn't matter if it isn't shared with someone but now I disagree. Its different from a diary entry because there is no commitment like there seems to be in a diary but its as therapeutic as one and I love it.
5. I like my independence. I've been wanting some sort of independence from my old life for years and now that I've got it I like it....mostly. Sure, I miss being looked after: having my clothes washed for me and my meals cooked but I can do those things, even if I don't like it. I like being able to just sit on my laptop and decide what I want to do with my time no matter the time of day. I like having that full free will of living independently from someone who is looking after me. As much as I can't be bothered with it every now and again, I like it.
6. I am okay on my own. This weekend will be the first weekend that I am in the flat on my own. It will be the first time I am going out and not telling anyone about it because there is no one there to tell. Its a bit lonely at times but its also nice. When we first moved in, our friends in our flat were very much like a substitute family, and still are to an extent. When you go out you usually tell one of them or ask them to come with you, very much like I did at home with my mum. Now I don't have that. I don't have the security of someone knowing where I am but I'm okay with it. It feels quite nice, not reporting to anyone. I wouldn't like to have it permanently just yet but its a nice change just to know that I can do it.
Friday, 18 October 2013
You don't have to be happy at all, to be happy you're alive
The title of this blog is a quote from a show called Next to Normal and its been going around in my head all day. It really rings true for me. I'm lucky, I've had a pretty good life if I'm honest. I have always known that I am loved by at least one person if nothing else. That is very meaningful and I am aware of how lucky and perhaps rare it is to feel like that. Of course I've had down times and I've had periods of my life where I am not happy, I'm going through one now. But I've never really, truly wanted to die. That's what this quote means to me.
Even when I've had thoughts of self harm, or when I felt like none of my friends cared about me, I've been happy to be alive. I am very lucky for that, I just need to remember it.
Even when I've had thoughts of self harm, or when I felt like none of my friends cared about me, I've been happy to be alive. I am very lucky for that, I just need to remember it.
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Adjusting
I have now had a full week of lectures at university. It has been weird, especially since most of what I've done so far has been introductory and the course has only just started. But its still different and it can get overwhelming very easily. This weekend I've committed to sorting things out. About half way through this week my room was a tip and it was just stressing me out a lot. Now I'm getting better. My floor is a bit more clear but it needs more and I have planned that into my time this weekend. I'm looking forward to having this time to sort everything out and I'm very glad I chose to stay and go home next weekend instead. Its different but its not bad any more.
Making friends is different from any other experience I've had before. For the most part, I have previously made friends young, when neither of us are really formed yet. Therefore I've been able to grow with and around my friends: they have become part of my identity because they were there when it was created. Now, however, everyone comes as a fully formed person, sure there's room for change but you are a lot more sure of yourself and you are an individual rather than being unsure and led by others the whole time. That makes friendships different. It means that you need to seek out people who are similar to you rather than finding someone and becoming similar people. Its very different to what I'm used to.
I have found myself judging people based on whether I think I could be friends with them or not more than actually trying to get to know people. Its hard because I know my type of person, I know the people who I can get on with well and so I have tended to see someone and make a snap judgement about whether or not we will be able to be friends or not. I don't like that I do that. It stops me from actually getting to know these people. I have realised that, despite how much I try to get on with everyone, I don't actually practice it the way I want to. I want to change that so I'm going to try and be more mindful of that and attempt to align the perception of who I want to present myself as with the person I am presenting myself out.
Going to uni is one massive adjustment and I don't know if I will ever stop adjusting my ideas here but I'm grateful for that. Its meant to be a learning experience and I am looking forward to being able to learn not just about my chosen course but also about myself and the best ways to interact with others. I want to grow and become the best version of me I can be and I think that's what university's for. Adjustment is part of my change into who I really am and I like it.
Making friends is different from any other experience I've had before. For the most part, I have previously made friends young, when neither of us are really formed yet. Therefore I've been able to grow with and around my friends: they have become part of my identity because they were there when it was created. Now, however, everyone comes as a fully formed person, sure there's room for change but you are a lot more sure of yourself and you are an individual rather than being unsure and led by others the whole time. That makes friendships different. It means that you need to seek out people who are similar to you rather than finding someone and becoming similar people. Its very different to what I'm used to.
I have found myself judging people based on whether I think I could be friends with them or not more than actually trying to get to know people. Its hard because I know my type of person, I know the people who I can get on with well and so I have tended to see someone and make a snap judgement about whether or not we will be able to be friends or not. I don't like that I do that. It stops me from actually getting to know these people. I have realised that, despite how much I try to get on with everyone, I don't actually practice it the way I want to. I want to change that so I'm going to try and be more mindful of that and attempt to align the perception of who I want to present myself as with the person I am presenting myself out.
Going to uni is one massive adjustment and I don't know if I will ever stop adjusting my ideas here but I'm grateful for that. Its meant to be a learning experience and I am looking forward to being able to learn not just about my chosen course but also about myself and the best ways to interact with others. I want to grow and become the best version of me I can be and I think that's what university's for. Adjustment is part of my change into who I really am and I like it.
Friday, 27 September 2013
A New World
I have now had 2 nights on my own at university and the best way to describe it is a completely new world with a brand new set of emotions to go along with it. I feel like I've been here for a lot longer than I have and I feel like I go between homesickness and comfort every other hour. I'm not completely alone: I've made friends in my flat and know a few people on my course. I'm getting to know a whole new city with new people who have new ways of doing things and everything is just different. I'm still getting used to it but I feel like I should be used to it by now even though things actually haven't started at all.
I need to remind myself that the way things are now aren't what they'll be like for the whole time I'm here. Usually in the past I've made friends and stuck with them until we drifted apart over the years or our lives drew away from each other. At the moment there's a way things are done in my flat and with the friends I've made. To be honest I'm not completely happy with it yet and I find myself assuming that this is what will always happen but I know that it won't always be the same and things will change when lectures start and I get to know more people. I just need to remember this.
I'm not used to this way of life. So far I've had a set structure with one home base and one person I know will always be there and who I need to check in with when I'm doing most things. Now I still have that but I'm further away from it and I don't have anyone to hold me accountable for my actions other than myself. I'm not used to that at all but I know that I'm ready for this responsibility and freedom and have been for a few years. Despite knowing this, it feels quite lonely at times. I know that the longer I'm here the more I'll get used to it and the more people I'll have around me, its just hard to remember that it will change sooner than things have changed in the past.
Its a whole new world here but its not always a scary, sad world. Despite the home sickness I like the city I'm in and I'm happy to know some people. I'm looking forward to meeting more people and starting to study what I've waited so long to study. Even if things don't change that much, this is simply a means to an end if I want it to be. If nothing else, by the end of my time here I'll have a qualification and a set of skills that will allow me to both have a career and me a stronger and all round better person.
I just need to remember that this is the start not the forever and I'll be okay.
I need to remind myself that the way things are now aren't what they'll be like for the whole time I'm here. Usually in the past I've made friends and stuck with them until we drifted apart over the years or our lives drew away from each other. At the moment there's a way things are done in my flat and with the friends I've made. To be honest I'm not completely happy with it yet and I find myself assuming that this is what will always happen but I know that it won't always be the same and things will change when lectures start and I get to know more people. I just need to remember this.
I'm not used to this way of life. So far I've had a set structure with one home base and one person I know will always be there and who I need to check in with when I'm doing most things. Now I still have that but I'm further away from it and I don't have anyone to hold me accountable for my actions other than myself. I'm not used to that at all but I know that I'm ready for this responsibility and freedom and have been for a few years. Despite knowing this, it feels quite lonely at times. I know that the longer I'm here the more I'll get used to it and the more people I'll have around me, its just hard to remember that it will change sooner than things have changed in the past.
Its a whole new world here but its not always a scary, sad world. Despite the home sickness I like the city I'm in and I'm happy to know some people. I'm looking forward to meeting more people and starting to study what I've waited so long to study. Even if things don't change that much, this is simply a means to an end if I want it to be. If nothing else, by the end of my time here I'll have a qualification and a set of skills that will allow me to both have a career and me a stronger and all round better person.
I just need to remember that this is the start not the forever and I'll be okay.
Thursday, 19 September 2013
Feeling social
I'm an introvert. I get my energy from being on my own and spending time with myself. I have a pet awkward turtle that likes to come out and take over during social interactions, especially with people that I don't know very well. I do love spending time with the people I love and having a laugh with the people who know me better than anyone else. I love it but its tiring for me and its even worse when they're people I don't know and the dialogue is full of . One of the things that has scared me most of all about this move to uni is trying to forge new friendships and meet like minded people who will understand me as well as my current friends do.
Every so often, however, I get these urges to get to know more people. I want to have that feeling where you're just getting to know someone you really feel like you connect with and start to forge a friendship. I miss that happy feeling when you think you've found someone who can become a great friend. Recently, I've been craving that feeling more often than I'm used to and I'm glad. This feeling is what will help give me the courage to go out during freshers week and talk to people, try to find new friends. Its what I will use to drive me to try harder to hold conversations with people. I will be able to use this feeling for the first time since I've been able to identify it.
I've finally found some of my flatmates and talking to them on facebook has felt good for the most part. Slowly getting to know them before we move in has fulfilled my craving a bit and its making me a lot happier about moving. I genuinely enjoyed sending a big long essay of a message to one of my wonderful friends I just met this summer and I am looking forward to a reply because I just can't wait to get to know her better. So far, I've only been able to channel this energy I have into online friendships which are really great and amazing but just not the same as real life, face to face relationships. I'll be able to get some work in channelling it in the real world once I'm at university and hopefully it'll help me grow into a better person.
This feeling has made me a lot more excited about going away to uni. I know it will still be very hard to say goodbye to my town and my mum but I'm ready to branch out on my own and start a new, exciting and different life. Its coming whether I like it or not, I might as well get excited about it!
Every so often, however, I get these urges to get to know more people. I want to have that feeling where you're just getting to know someone you really feel like you connect with and start to forge a friendship. I miss that happy feeling when you think you've found someone who can become a great friend. Recently, I've been craving that feeling more often than I'm used to and I'm glad. This feeling is what will help give me the courage to go out during freshers week and talk to people, try to find new friends. Its what I will use to drive me to try harder to hold conversations with people. I will be able to use this feeling for the first time since I've been able to identify it.
I've finally found some of my flatmates and talking to them on facebook has felt good for the most part. Slowly getting to know them before we move in has fulfilled my craving a bit and its making me a lot happier about moving. I genuinely enjoyed sending a big long essay of a message to one of my wonderful friends I just met this summer and I am looking forward to a reply because I just can't wait to get to know her better. So far, I've only been able to channel this energy I have into online friendships which are really great and amazing but just not the same as real life, face to face relationships. I'll be able to get some work in channelling it in the real world once I'm at university and hopefully it'll help me grow into a better person.
This feeling has made me a lot more excited about going away to uni. I know it will still be very hard to say goodbye to my town and my mum but I'm ready to branch out on my own and start a new, exciting and different life. Its coming whether I like it or not, I might as well get excited about it!
Sunday, 15 September 2013
Goodbyes
As part of going to uni there are a lot of goodbyes I have to say. Over the past few days I've said goodbye to my friends, boyfriend and church for a while. Of course, these people won't just leave my life, its more of a see you later than a goodbye but it'll be the longest time I've not seen some of these people in years. Its been very emotional and hard. I know that goodbyes are a necessary part of life and you have to hurt sometimes because you have amazing people in your life but it doesn't stop it from hurting. I'm okay with that though, I know its coming and although I thought that might make it easier it really doesn't. I've already written on my other blog about how goodbyes are sometimes needed and I stand by that.
There's not really much more to say on the subject of goodbyes, I kind of just wanted to document this part of the journey. On the plus side, seeing other people going off to uni makes me more excited to go. For a long time I was dreading it a lot more than I was looking forward to it but now I'm more excited to go and get started. I'm excited to start studying what I want to at last and to start becoming more independent. I think I was focusing too much on the goodbyes and not the new opportunities. While its still scary I now know that I can survive through the goodbyes and be okay the next day.
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
The Last Days of Judas Iscariot
So before I move away and start my new life at university, me and my mum decided to go on a special holiday: traveling from the UK to the USA for a week. We originally planned to just go to New York City because its somewhere that we've both wanted to go for a long time. However, when I heard that some StarKids were doing a special play around the time we were planning to go I knew I had to at least try to see it. Miraculously my mum agreed to it and we planned a detour to Chicago for a day before we moved on to New York. I have to say, that was one of the best decisions I have ever made! The play made me think and I have hardly stopped thinking about it in the week since I saw it and I am so thankful to the creative team for bringing it into my life. As usual, my thoughts can't just stay in my head and so I am going to share them here.
All the actors were amazing but the first performance that really stood out to me was Reed Campbell as Judas, especially when he was being the 8 year old version. The mannerisms and speech patterns were just so perfect for the age he was playing, you almost forgot that this was actually a grown man. That against the seriousness of Judas in purgatory/hell just showed the range he is capable of and how amazing he is. Lauren Lopez was also fantastically funny in both her roles, especially St. Monica who quickly became one of my favourite characters ever. I fell in love with the sassy, potty mouthed exterior with the caring nature that was revealed when she was talking to Judas.
In the second act things got darker and more interesting. The introduction with Mary Magdalene was so good, I don't know what it was about her but there was something just special and spiritual about her that's just stayed with me. To me, the stand out scene of this act was the scene I have nicknamed "the Satan loosing his shit scene" which was exactly as it sounds really. It was amazing to see Joey Richter in a completely new type of role and that scene was where he really shone. Up until that point I realised I'd been seeing the judge and Cunningham as just storytellers, not really people as much as they were. I don't know why but it was kind of a big realisation for me that these characters were able to be destroyed as much as the witnesses.
All the actors were amazing but the first performance that really stood out to me was Reed Campbell as Judas, especially when he was being the 8 year old version. The mannerisms and speech patterns were just so perfect for the age he was playing, you almost forgot that this was actually a grown man. That against the seriousness of Judas in purgatory/hell just showed the range he is capable of and how amazing he is. Lauren Lopez was also fantastically funny in both her roles, especially St. Monica who quickly became one of my favourite characters ever. I fell in love with the sassy, potty mouthed exterior with the caring nature that was revealed when she was talking to Judas.
In the second act things got darker and more interesting. The introduction with Mary Magdalene was so good, I don't know what it was about her but there was something just special and spiritual about her that's just stayed with me. To me, the stand out scene of this act was the scene I have nicknamed "the Satan loosing his shit scene" which was exactly as it sounds really. It was amazing to see Joey Richter in a completely new type of role and that scene was where he really shone. Up until that point I realised I'd been seeing the judge and Cunningham as just storytellers, not really people as much as they were. I don't know why but it was kind of a big realisation for me that these characters were able to be destroyed as much as the witnesses.
After both seeing and reading The Last Days of Judas Iscariot I realised that it is actually about love. The way the apostles loved Jesus, the way Jesus loved the apostles and the way that love can save you. Something that really stood out to me in the disciple's monologues was the way that they loved both each other and Jesus so strongly. It was a pure friendship kind of love but that's the kind of love that gets shown least in the media so it was just interesting to see that for once. Judas refuses to accept Jesus's love and so he remains in hell. It is the lack of love that the members of the council have that stops them from getting into heaven. I think that that is the overall message of the play: love will save you if you let it.
So when we come out of the play we're tired, our bodies believing it was 4am but I was determined to see and talk to Julia Albain before we left. Her writing made me who I am and I just wanted to be able to talk to her. I'd already chickened out of saying hi when we went into the play but when we came out and saw her in the bar I knew I had to just go up to her and do it. I was pretty much shaking the whole time I was near her and a bit afterwards but I managed to say more or less what I wanted to say and got both a picture and my copy of her book signed so it was good. Maybe she sensed how nervous I was because I think she was rubbing my back when we were taking a picture together. After we'd talked and she was moving on she asked what my name was as well which was really sweet and completely unexpected so that was just amazing to me. I would have loved to have been able to talk to her and have a conversation but I'm not capable of that yet and that's okay, I'll have another opportunity to thank her for everything, I'm sure.
The best advice I got about this trip was from my friend Siobhan who messaged me the night before I left, ending by saying "remember in both New York and Chicago that you'll be back some day! So you don't need to do it all this time!" I don't know why, but I had never thought of holidays like that before and those words helped. They made me realise that, if I want it enough, I can go back to the places I loved and explore them all over again and that made a difference, I know I will go back to Chicago at some point and I'll explore it more, visit all the tourist spots and maybe even see another play by those wonderful goofballs who I adore so much. I'm so glad I was able to see Chicago and experience the amazing play that is The Last Days of Judas Iscariot performed by some amazing people and I know that one day I will be back in the Windy City and I can relive the play through its script however many times I want to.
Friday, 30 August 2013
A New Start
So this morning I ended up having a cry/complain to my mum because I'm freaking out about going to university. In just under a month I will be moving out of the house I've lived in all my life and going to university 3 hours away from home. It'll be my first time living on my own, totally relying on myself to cook, clean, organise and generally live well. For the first time ever I'll have an extended period of time where I am in charge of me and no one else can tell me what I have to do when. It's scary. I think I'm ready for that independence, though. I know I can do it, I almost do it now, just with a little support from my mum. I have about 3 different diary/calender things to keep me organised. That part isn't what I'm most scared about.
I'm most scared about being around new people who I don't know and who don't know me. I've lived in one place all my life; I've had the same best friend since I was 4 and I have a solid group of friends who I know will always be there for me. It's the people around me who I really value and they're the people I'll really miss. What scares me most is going there and not having any friends when I get there. I know I'm not very good at talking to new people and holding conversations so I find it hard to make friends. That scares me and that was the main reason why I was upset this morning.
However, I found that my mum's attempts at comforting me didn't help because I managed to just come up with something negative for every positive she came up with. That's just the mindset I'm in right now. However, I know I can't just have these thoughts going round and round in my head as they have been. It's not healthy and it just ends in an argument or upset. So I've decided to work it out the best way I know how: writing about it. This blog is going to be me going through the steps of moving and finding myself at university, writing out my problems in the hope that I can find an answer or some comfort through it.
I'm starting a new blog for my journey to my new start. Right now I'm scared about it, slightly dreading the process of getting there and all the emotions that will come with it. I don't want to have to deal with it but I know I have to soon so I need to make myself do it. I need to go through this process and come out the other end stronger than ever because its the journey, not the destination that really matters.
I'm most scared about being around new people who I don't know and who don't know me. I've lived in one place all my life; I've had the same best friend since I was 4 and I have a solid group of friends who I know will always be there for me. It's the people around me who I really value and they're the people I'll really miss. What scares me most is going there and not having any friends when I get there. I know I'm not very good at talking to new people and holding conversations so I find it hard to make friends. That scares me and that was the main reason why I was upset this morning.
However, I found that my mum's attempts at comforting me didn't help because I managed to just come up with something negative for every positive she came up with. That's just the mindset I'm in right now. However, I know I can't just have these thoughts going round and round in my head as they have been. It's not healthy and it just ends in an argument or upset. So I've decided to work it out the best way I know how: writing about it. This blog is going to be me going through the steps of moving and finding myself at university, writing out my problems in the hope that I can find an answer or some comfort through it.
I'm starting a new blog for my journey to my new start. Right now I'm scared about it, slightly dreading the process of getting there and all the emotions that will come with it. I don't want to have to deal with it but I know I have to soon so I need to make myself do it. I need to go through this process and come out the other end stronger than ever because its the journey, not the destination that really matters.
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